Emotions
by sunshine addiction
Summary: Just a simple story of why Squalo still stays by Xanxus side even after all these years. Language to be taken note of.


Xanxus and Squalo – their 'special' relationship.

Hi people! Its really been a long time since i uploaded a story... ... and well im back! and heres a try at the X/S relationship :D im quite fond of them. i know the its abit OC at the end.. But hope u all had a good read and any crtism or any ideas you all would like to tell me iare very much welcome!!

And i don't own any of the characters. Akira Amano does. Thanks for taking the time to read it!

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_**Emotions

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**_

_I tell myself that I don't need him to love me, when all I want is for him to love me._

_For ten long years, I've been telling myself that, trying to convince myself of it. That I don't need him to love me. Because that would never ever happen between us._

_Standing here, leaning against the cold stone. Winds tugging at my hair, rains spraying against my pale face. I Hate him. That black spiky hair, that long arms dangling over the armrest, those long legs, spread wide. His posture, lounging in that chair, makes it like a king sitting on his throne. Looking down at the little ants crawling beneath him. Like he own them._

_In my room._

_Gosh I hate him._

That I hate him. Hated him since I first met him all these years ago. That it's just my bad luck I had to meet him in this lifetime and, _really_, just pure bad luck that he's my boss and … … _lover_.

Lover, such a weird word for him. You know absolutely well what I meant, he's just not suited for such delicate stuff.

For example. the ring competition ten years ago. Well it was just a fight with a bunch of brats, which I wasn't very serious about, led me into a state of… .. . Well the consequences weren't exactly_bright future._ _Roll eyes. _Well a few broken bones here and there, almost disfigured and lost almost another arm and another leg _altogether_. Well swimming few sharks the size of a small submarine isn't exactly just a swim in the pool. Especially when you're bleeding like a piece of freshly cut meat. It's a miracle I was even alive.

Next example? The Freaking Sirloin First Rate Meat incident. Its just a PIECE of MEAT!! MEAT!! Can't he just eat lamb? And when food is finally bough to his table he had to throw a tantrum and sweep everything onto the floor?!! What's the HELL wrong with him?!! And I was treated like a slave, okay. Worse than slave. More like an insect, caught for teasing and playing, to be squashed dead in the end after all the fun and excitement is over.

Imagine running through the woods having to fight off idiot insects with no brains who dared to attacked the castle and then when you are absolutely busy with clearing up the mess, in which He, refuses to move a freaking inch of his ass, actually throws you a command which is FUCKING RIDICULOUS! What!? I wonder, what his eyes, brains are for? Just to make his face more handsome? A decoration? I'm busy! FUCKING BUSY clearing up the trash he didn't wanna touched! And yet he DARES gives me this ridiculous order? A he probably knows I will do whatever he wants.

It was pure humiliation on my part, but to him, nothing more than just like a lil' kid playing with ants. To be flicked around, and knowing that with just a finger and a lil' force. The ant (referring to me) will be squashed dead. My life is totally in his hands. Had and will always be in his hands, destined to be crushed by him. Which is just pure bad karma on my part. You know after ten years of staying by his side. I think its really karma.

Karma, for _Me,Superbi Squalo. _Master swordsman and second in command of the Varia, would FUCKING fall in love with a being that has got no eyes for anything else but his own! Nothing!! Nothing is worth enough Shit at all to be in his eyes! You must be of GREAT use to be registered in that PEA SIZED BRAIN OF HIS!!

Not counting the countless number of times wine glasses, wine bottles and getting increasing irritating was chairs and tables. He had dared raised a chair onto my head!! GOSH! He's such a BASTARD! NO OTHER WORDS FOR IT!!

Let me see, 5059 times of glasses, 670 bottles, and freaking 52 chairs and 18 tables thrown at my head! I would have been dead over 10000 times! Not counting all the little picky habits oof his, not cooked to his taste or not fast enough. Or worse, no wine no whisky. Had I not dodged or had well, maybe bad luck to have such strong life force.

Ah well the above, I'm quite sure you all are well up to date about them. Get on with the rest.

* * *

Ah.. … memories.. ..

Sixteen, sixteen. People often say Sweet Sixteen, right? Well, yes… sixteen WAS sweet, carefree wonderful and exciting. The mere thought of fighting an opponent, attaining the skills I wanted and most of all, the scent of blood. Oh the wonderful gush of blood. They arch, they danced, they sprayed and they spurt. Throws me in a rich and colorful frenzy world of art. In other words, throws me into a high, like drugs, the more I kill the deeper I went. Falling deeper into the act. I absorbed I learned, I sucked them dry.

Until I met him, the look in his eyes, forever searching, forever bright and fierce.. With flames that would consume you if you ever stare too long into those blue green orbs of his. In that mass of people, my eyes found his. I was drowned, caught. I knew I could never escape.

I could had escaped, but I dunno why I didn't. Now the more I though of this, the more irritated I felt. How could the younger me be so DUMB?! I need to find that stupid Vongola cow.

I need to go back. I need to change this stupidest mistake of my life.

_He's_ the reason why I'm up here standing in the storm bracing against the lightings and risk of getting a cold.

The young and naïve me, made a vow, a fucking foolish vow. Which had me tied to his side till now. Because of my fucking foolish pride and dream. I forced it upon him and myself_.( More like myself only ) _I stayed by his side. Understanding him more and more despite the _rough treatment_, he only gave to me. There were more bad times then good time. More wine glasses and bottle to my head than .. .. ahem.. .. .. then soft fingers running through my hair. (Blushing)

Well, I'm not gonna gawk and gaped or sing praises about him like a lovelorn high school girl!!

Though, he isn't a soft and gentle lover, at times… There ARE times when he IS gentle and cute… …

Actually Xanxus isn't that all non-fearing.

He is scared of storms. Funny right? A man like him? Boss of the fearsome Varia? Afraid of storms? Haha!!! If the brats in the Vongola ever heard bout this I'm sure they would laughed till their guts spilled out.

_The first time he was in my bed._

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Angry flashes of lighting sprinted wildly outside. Rain plummeting into the ground with force like bullets. I was standing in the rain, enjoying the force of the rain on my body. I had just finished a kill. More of a bloodbath then a kill. But it was fun; after all mass gathering doesn't come often. Blood streaming off my uniform, blood that was not mine, forming puddles on the over flooded ground. But soon the faded off as the rain poured continuously.

So I was just standing there in the open field, enjoying the rain and the wild flashes. A movement caught my eye. Someone is in my room. My eyes narrowed. Its 3 am, the brats wouldn't have come at a time like this, neither will the bucking horse. Bel and fran out on a mission. Lussuria loves it at the basement and Levi… asleep at this time. So... … who could it be? Senses now alert, my body tensed.

I walked, slowly. As if I hadn't seen anything. In three strides I've reached the door. I pushed open the door of the mansion but didn't enter.

_Cracked! Flashes!_

I could see my own silhouette shadow on the plush red Persian carpet. Hair dripping with water and hanging down. One hand on the door, the left with the sword still attached. I must have look like a deranged psycho killer just out of jail.

Another flash. I heard a noise.

Moving with deliberate slowness, I looked towards my room.

Another cough.

Slowly I ascend the steps., water dripping onto the stone marble of the winding steps. One by one, higher and higher. I reached the door. Waited.

_Rasping breath and another stuffed cough._

I pushed opened the door, just wide enough for me to squeeze in.

The moment my eyes fell onto the dark figure huddled in that corner of the bed. I froze.

A sudden blinding white flash and a breaking roar of thunder that felt like it would split opened the sky rolled throughout the quiet house.

In that instant I saw a tuff of black hair. No one in the varia had black hair.. … except for _him._

Seconds ticked by, the sounds of water dripping from my clothes and hair formed a rhythm.

Finally I moved. I pushed the door wider and strode into the room, grabbing a towel and proceed into the adjoining bathroom. Thinking it might be due to the blood that got into my eyes or that I was actually more exhausted than I thought.

Xanxus in my room? I really must be exhausted. I'm actually hallucinating now. I need to sleep. Take deep breathe now. Don't faint. Nothing is gonna head start to spin, eyes starts to black little black spots swimming around.

Then halfway through shampooing my hair, I heard a cough. And I jerked.

Whatever had I done to anger him? Years of experience and after hundred of glasses to the head, though I had survived, one still have to be extra cautious around that guy.

I rushed through the bath, not enjoying the warm water at all.

Finally I calmed down and step outta the bathroom, tying the towel around my waist. And , _yes. Its him._ Still in the blanket and making little funny noise. I stepped closer. Making as much noise as possible. But no reaction. I paced around the room for ten minutes, trying to decide to leave him or dry my hair or just jump into bed and sleep like the dead.

Finally deciding I was tired and not to care about anything, cursing consequences to hell. I flopped into the bed. Not caring to comb my still wet hair or that I was still naked.

Through the night I remember something like a hand running through my hair and the same hands were caressing my neck and shoulder. Well it was so welcoming that I leaned into the touch and fall asleep.

I regretted ever waking up. Truth to be told. I never regretted staying by his side. Not asking for his warmth or his company. But just that nod of acknowledgement and maybe a smile. I woke up to stare into fiery orbs that just screamed' You're dead' Gawd. Whatever had gone wrong? My hair was a total mess and some of them were tangled in his hands like cobwebs. Oh talk about hands. One of them? I was currently resting on it, the other? On my shoulder. And u thought that was romantic? I tried to move only to feel that I had no clothes on.

Well I having a good night sleep would only make the sleeper forget whatever happens the night before right? No explanation, no chance and not even a blanket. I was unceremoniously kicked outta the room.

Whatever happen? I was just sleeping. Sighing, I sat onto a couch and wait for him to get out from _MY room. _So I waited and looked to the clocked. It says… Ten forty five. Hmmm now that early.. my mind hardly registering_. EARLY?!!_

FREAKING HELL! I jumped into the bed at bout three thirty am and I slept till ten plus in the morning?! Moreover… …

I just remembered sleeping on his hand! Using it like a pillow! Clutching the other like a teddy bear!

Bang! And the door slammed opened. Xanxus, wearing my black pants and singlet, strode out of my room. Not even bothered to look at my direction. I was so shocked that I daren't move a muscle.

Just went I thought the worst was over. Xanxus stopped and.. … 'Stupid shark, ever drool on my arm again, I will break all your teeth.'

I instantly deflated like a balloon.

* * *

It really is a weird relationship, the two of them shared. Not really lovers. Squalo couldn't remembered them doing anything other than the occasional hugging for warmth and helping each other jerk off in the lonely night. Sleeping together on the same bed during stormy weather. if you could call the arguments and fight they had as building relationships. then i have nothing else to say.

That's really all that they share.

All the 'I am willing to stay by your side.' The 'you will not regret making me your ally.' The sacrifices he made. From the beginning. Squalo was bound to Xanxus. No matter he lost in the ring competition, no matter how many broken glasses, bottles and chairs or tables. Offended pride, spilled blood broken dignity and trampled heart. (always Squalo's)

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_Squalo finally admitted. A fondness and urge to protect and to rely on this unfeeling and unemotional boss. Who doesn't ever give a care about anyone else. Was the one he wants to love?_

_Telling himself, he doesn't need the boss to love him. When all he wanted was … … Xanxus to love him. To wake up in the morning to see the bright red orbs, fierce and determined. To know that he's safe in the hands of his. To feel the gentle caress of his hands. The gentle side of his not known to just anyone, but him. Just him, by his side._

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Well! thats all! :D Do write and reviews! constructive critism are veri much welcomed! _


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